Tips from a Temporary Single Parent

This is Scott. It is time for another post so I can impart some much needed information to those that visit this blog on a regular basis. This is good information that the world has been clamoring for. I have summarized it below into a nice, easy to read list.

As many of you know, every 2 years or so Debbie and her friends from college take a weekend and have a Girls Weekend all to themselves. There have been a few of them now and each time I stay home with the kids to give Debbie a little vacation.

Here are some of the things that I have learned from being a "temporary single parent". Consider this little bit of wisdom a gift, so you don't have to learn some of these things the hard way.

Here goes:

1. Being a single parent looks really hard. In reality, it is much harder than it looks.

2. The kids are not secretly meeting while you are asleep and coordinating their attacks for maximum parental frustration, although it may seem like it!

3. Children are a little like cattle…they will test every portion of your fences to see if there is a weak link somewhere. Stick to the rules and don’t show any weakness!

4. When your kids tell you how much they miss Mommy, it does not mean that they don’t like you.

5. When your kids say “Dad, come here quick”, don’t respond with “Hang on a second”… You might find that a toy is about to launch from upstairs, near the top of the vaulted ceilings and onto the dining room table.

6. If #5 happens, remain calm…How bad can it be?

7. Growling like Charlie Brown (after Lucy pulled the football away) under your breath does not release the pent up frustration you may experience

8. Despite #7, you may not be able to stop growling under your breath.

9. The exhaustion begins at sun-up and continues throughout the day.

10. Once the kids are in bed, don’t turn on the TV to watch a quick show before you clean the house. If you do, you might wake up at 1:00 a.m. and will have no desire or energy to clean at that hour.

11. If you dare venture out to the grocery store or Costco, get the “limousine” cart that has a bunch of seats with straps/seatbelts. Use them. If not, your youngest child may learn from older siblings how to jump on and off of a big flat cart while it is rolling

12. I could be a Mr. Mom, if I had a housekeeper, a nanny, and possibly a chef. And maybe a chauffer. Maybe.

13. When your toddler runs up to you and throws her arms around you, it will actually melt your heart and you will forget about everything else around you.

14. If any of your kids say that they need a haircut, they don’t; at least not until mom gets home…trust me

15. Plan out each day in advance. Then take half of the things you planned and get rid of them. There will not be time for those things. Then prioritize the rest because you will almost certainly not be able to do most of the remaining things on your list.

16. Don’t say “How does Mommy do it?” out loud in front of your kids. You won’t like the response.

17. When your wife calls just to chat, make sure that the kids are crying loudly in the background. It will make her appreciate her time away a little more.

18. Don’t try riding a Rip Stick if you are not already seriously skilled at it. Seriously skilled would mean having tried one on more than 4 occasions. Of course, this might be good advice by itself.

19. Cook dinner for your kids. You will know exactly how your wife feels when you worked hard for a long time to hear “I don’t like that.”

20. Take your kids to the park every day. They will remember it for a long time.

21. Before you pick up your wife at the airport, make sure that the dishes are clean and put away, the house is picked up and the floors swept/vacuumed. You can’t imagine how much your wife will appreciate it.

22. #21 can only be done by putting your children into a single room and threatening them that if they come out, you will send them to live with a family in Angola.

23. If you are attempting #22 and one of your kids comes out, don’t send them to Angola. Just put them back in the room and tell them that you’ll do it if they come out of the room again.

24. If your wife loves a clean house, the lingering smell of cleaning products when she walks in the door is like perfume to her.

25. Much like childbirth*, you will forget how hard being a temporary single dad is until you are in the middle of it again. (*When I say childbirth, I am using it as an analogy ONLY and not as a comparison. In reality there is no comparison. Childbirth is way easier because there are drugs available for the pain. Or something…)