Do You Know What Else Sucks?...Miscarriages

Yep, that's what I said, and that's what happened to me today.  It was such a hard decision for me to decide if 3 was our number or 4.  When we got married, 4 was our number.  Four children would be perfect for us.  When I got pregnant with Brooke, I started to wonder if 3 was our new number.  Since a few months after she was born, Scott and I prayed and debated and prayed some more.  Such a hard decision, especially since I'm nearing 35 and that was going to be my cut-off point.  So we made the decision to add one more little one to complete our family.  We had special confirmation that this was the right decision for us.

I was just over 10 weeks.  I had my first appointment scheduled for today.  I thought it would be a perfect Thanksgiving day treat to share with the kids tomorrow.  The timing was probably good, because I don't think this is something they need to deal with emotionally at this point in their life.  They know nothing right now and I'm thankful for that.  

I'm left with the image that remained on the ultra-sound monitor while the doctor so sweetly talked with us and also allowed Scott and I some time together.  It was the beginnings of my little baby.  And now I'm already swallowed up in thought of what does this mean...is 3 our number or do we continue to try for 4.  Scott keeps reminding me that we have months before we need to think about it.

So to help keep my mind from checking me in to the psych ward, I made myself busy and decorated the reception area of Scott's office tonight.  It's my own little contribution that gives me a little bit of joy.  Want to see...

Well, actually it's last year's pictures to help remind me what to do this year, but you get the jist.  And the sound of Christmas music while decorating helped remind me of the wonderful season ahead.

So as I was lost in thought (while Scott picked up a babysitter and took the kids home because we decided it wasn't a family fun experience trying to keep them entertained while some were still trying to work a late night), I started to focus on the things that I am thankful for.  Here's just a few:

* I'm thankful for my 3 beautiful, healthy children.  I recognize some women experience this kind of loss without experiencing the blessing of a successful pregnancy.  I've thought so much today of my sweet childhood softball "Shazam" slamming friend, Megan.  My heart aches for you and I continue to pray for you and your own Scotty.

* I'm thankful for a loving husband who is so good to me.  He knew to show up for this "regular" appointment.  He knew when it was over to leave his car in the parking lot and just drive me in silence to the temple grounds and allowed me to cry all I wanted.  He won't even acknowledge that I look like crap (and I've got to do my best to not cry tomorrow because we have family pictures schedule for Friday.  If it looks like I have puffy eyes in the Christmas pictures you'll know why).

* I'm thankful for the sweetest mother-in-law ever.  No really, mine's better than yours.  She knows what to say and she knows when to listen.  She loves my children, no matter what mood they're in.  And she was happy to sit around with the brood when Scott told her we'd be home in "a while".

* I'm thankful for my own sweet parents.  I love them so much.  Just the sound of their voices, especially in a time of need, puts me back in the comfort of the parent/child relationship.  They bring me peace.

* I'm thankful for the gospel of Jesus Christ.  I'm thankful for the perspective it gives me in life.  I'm thankful for a loving Heavenly Father who knows me and loves me.  I'm thankful for a Savior that I can focus my thoughts on to help me through times of need.  

* And I'm thankful for any of you reading this who allow me to share such personal feelings.  

As we drove into the neighborhood tonight, I welcomed the fog rolling in and the crisp air.  It was so fitting for the thoughts and feelings I have.  But I mostly look forward to blue skies that are to come.